I call every Wednesday night. And most other nights as well. I've started to stay up late just to adjust to his change in time zone. Two hours makes a late night into an impossible morning, when I lost my job it meant sleeping in past alarms that held no meaning. I always thought that it was worth it, whispering "you're special to me" without waking anyone else in the house up from the tears welling in my eyes. He said it back, he said it in a quiet, almost bashful tone.
He knows I love him, I told him during an ambien fueled text bombing. I never let him say anything back, this was just for him, I wanted nothing in return. I considered myself incredibly selfless, I'd do anything for him. I once offered to move across the country with him so he wouldn't be alone. He needed to do it alone, he said, to prove that he could. Instead he moved to Denver to live with his best friend. That's when I learned about Importance. And how I will always feel unImportant.
We "casually" saw each other for four months back in college. There was nothing casual about it, he was my world, we were practically inseparable. After a bottle of pills, a case of mono and a month of NA, the time together was no longer Important. Our time together went from wiping each others tears to awkward lunches.
We started talking more and more about a year after the split. The magic felt real again. He had been clean for over a year, I hadn't been hospitalised in over a year. I was happily in therapy twice a week. The flirtatious banter and desire for closeness returned. We saw each other once or twice despite the hours between us since my graduation in the few months before he left.
A month before he left, he told me. He didn't give me much time to prepare myself. July was already difficult on me: my therapist, who I was happily seeing twice a week, was leaving me with no replacement. My parents' separation was getting nastier and nastier. He said he would try to see me, then left for a business trip for almost two weeks. He returned and told me he was leaving in two days. This was my second lesson in Importance. I felt burned.
Right now, I log onto facebook and see he was offered a job in Denver, one he was very excited about and really wanted. I am extremely excited about it, I encouraged him throughout the entire process and very seriously thought he would be perfect for the role. They couldn't deny him it, he was perfect. I can't pretend I know though. I want him to tell me himself. I want to be Important enough for him to call me and tell me the good news. It's been twenty minutes since the status went up. If I don't hear about it in the next hour, I think I'm going to cry, and hide myself away.
I do this often, hide myself away. Wish people would miss me. Wish they would reach out for me. They almost never do, but I have high hopes for him right now. I want a sign that Importance is not just a pipe dream. I put myself out there, it's time for something in return. If I don't feel satisfied, I'm going to do something about it, besides smearing makeup on my face and calling up ex-partners for a lazy fuck.
I'm going to congratulate him without being told, and I'm going to put a smile on and be happy for him anyway. I'm going to swell with pride and joy and love for a man who cares for me and can't keep a promise and runs away from everything when he's sad. Because he's Important to me. What is the Importance of Reciprocation anyway?
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